


Please Start Over

by ItsjustMads



Category: Durarara
Genre: Angst, Blood, Blood and Violence, Dreams and Nightmares, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, M/M, Raijin Days, Redemption, Regrets, Romance, Time Travel, Tragedy, it's not that bad, just if you're squimish
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-02-14 20:23:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13015440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsjustMads/pseuds/ItsjustMads
Summary: In which Shizuo actually kills Izaya in Ketsu, but goes back in time to their first meeting and gets a chance to redo things.





	1. Regrets

Shizuo stared at the broken body in front of him.

_How did this happen?_

The flea looked so much smaller like this, almost frail. If Shizuo didn't know better, he would have thought Izaya was harmless, tiny with the usual malicious smirk absent from his face. In fact, he looked almost peaceful, content with his life's work of making Shizuo into a true monster. Crimson blood, the exact shade of Izaya’s now closed eyes, seeped onto the black pavement, staining Shizuo’s shoes. But he was beyond caring.

Izaya would never smirk at him again, or call him that shitty nickname, or stir up trouble and manipulate people, or run before him though the city with such elegance, dodging his every throw.

Shizuo thought this would make him feel satisfied; that it would make him feel relieved; that he could now be free to move on with his life. He'd imagined killing the flea so many times now, finally, _finally_ catching him and making him pay for ruining Shizuo’s life and hurting people he cared about.

But now he actually did it. He caught Izaya. He caught the evil pest.

And he killed him.

No, there was no satisfaction. There was no relief. All Shizuo felt was…

~~Loss~~

 

~~Regret~~

  
~~Grief~~

  
~~Lonely~~

  
~~Anguish~~

  
~~Self-disgust~~

  
~~Shame~~

  
~~Empty~~

 

Numb.

* * *

 

_“You can’t run away. The past will be only too happy to chase you —- in absolute, complete, and total earnest. Do you know why? Because they’re lonely. The past and memories are very lonely things. I don’t believe in God. Because he doesn’t have a fixed form. The past certainly does exist, even in a world where the future doesn’t have a fixed form. Even if it’s being colored by misunderstandings and delusions, a person’s past can’t be anything but the truth as long as he believes in it. If that’s what you base your actions or your way of life on, isn’t that like being god?”_

**Your guilt will be your past and that will be your God.**

_  
But what if you change the past?_

  
The beginning of summer. The heat was not yet unbearable, but it was enough to make sweat drip down Shizuo’s forehead. The sky shone orange with the lowering sun in between grey clouds. Shizuo’s shadow stretched over the school field, stretched to absurd proportions by the evening light.

The bastards who picked a fight lay in heaps across the green. His limbs burned with use, and fatigue was only now beginning to penetrate his adrenaline rush. Shizuo’s head pounded, the excitement of his fight making it hard to think. He looked down at his victims-- victims of the chaotic force that was able to do humanly impossible things. Yes, humanly impossible. Shizuo was hardly even human. What human could throw vending machines like baseballs or crush steel in their grip? No, he was a monster. Just like Izaya always said--

 _Izaya_?

Shizuo’s breathing quickened, his hazy head clearing to a picture of a raven-haired tiny body, inconceivably crushed in that dirty alleyway. And the blood, that exact crimson color staining everything, splattered everywhere; on the body, on his hands, in his hair, in his eyes, and permanently affixed in his memory.

There was blood on his hands now, and Shizuo’s vision swam as he stumbled, suddenly nauseous. But it wasn’t Izaya’s blood. To others, it may have looked the same, but Shizuo could _tell_ , somehow. Izaya’s body wasn’t in front of him, either, and he wasn’t in that dark alley, and it was daylight, evening, to be precise. It was like that night was just a bad dream, to disappear like smoke in daylight. Shizuo could never forget. _Would_ never forget. It was as impossible to wash away the image of Izaya beaten and bloody as it was for other people to pick up vending machines.

The sound of clapping broke the silent air.

Clapping?

Shizuo’s eyes left his bloody hands to focus on the direction of the obnoxious noise. For a few second he didn’t understand what he saw, the sounds muting around him and his view blurring around one figure.

Izaya was dead.

Shizuo killed him with his bare hands.

He was only beginning to understand what this meant.

He was only beginning to understand how that made him feel.

Then why is Izaya standing, looking so alive and so healthy with his ever-present smirk crossed over his pale skin?

Why was he not covered in blood, without the sickly sweet stench that remained in Shizuo’s clothes long after Izaya died?

Why did the sight of the shitty flea, clearly happy and healthy, make him so happy?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of chap 1-- the introduction.  
> What do you think? Intersting idea or nah?  
> I'm using this to get out all my angst while I'm writing my fluffier series lol. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


	2. A Second Chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally on winter break, expect a lot of updating from me \o/  
> This one's really short, bear with me please.  
> Enjoy~!

 

“Heeellooo? Anyone in there?” The apparition of Izaya bounced forward, waving in front of his face to get his attention.

Shizuo’s mind was still reeling in intense confusion. Was this really Izaya? Or was he just going insane from guilt? Even in Ikebukuro, home of headless riders and demon swords, the dead didn't come back to life.

“I-Izaya… kun…?” Shizuo stuttered out, heart racing at a hundred miles per hour.

“Oh? Have we met?” Not-Izaya's eyes flashed, excitement clear at the prospect of a new toy. He laughed, throwing his head back in amusement. This gesture that was so Izaya-like that it _had_ to be the real one. Except it couldn’t be, because he was dead.

Shizuo remained stunned, especially after those words. _Have we met?_ More than met, they’d chased each other around the city for eight years. They each declared their undying hatred for one another on every occasion. The damn pest ruined Shizuo’s life, lost him his job, made him betray his brother’s confidence. And he made sure he had equal impact on the flea’s life that ended when he caught up to him, at long last, and beat him to death.

“Hm… I would definitely have remembered meeting someone as handsome as you.” The teenager purred, flashing a seductive wink at the speechless blonde.

Scratch that, it definitely wasn’t Izaya. While he’d seen the flea flirt with people before, he had certainly never done it with _him_.

“Shizuo-kun?” Shizuo’s tunnel vision cleared just enough to see the person standing next to imposter Izaya.

“Shin… ra?” And, indeed, it was Shinra. But not as he last had seen him, the lines of his worries were erased, and he looked… _younger_.

“Sorry, is it a bad time? Orihara-kun was just _dying_ to meet you, so I brought him along.” The weird Shinra spoke entirely unrepentant.

Shizuo hid a flinch at the words ‘Izaya dying’, assaulted for the utmost time by the mirage of Izaya’s on the pavement, distinctly lacking the spark of life.

But… what was going on? Shizuo glanced around. The soccer field… of Raijin? He was at his old high school, looking unchanged from his memories. No, not unchanged. It was exactly the same as he remembered it. It was like he… went back in time.

Is this a chance? A second chance, to prevent that horrible outcome? To not be a murderer? Because Shizuo never considered the flea to be a real human, almost like Izaya called him a monster, until he was dead and Izaya’s blood looked the same as his own. He never considered that killing the asshole was murder. He never imagined he'd feel such terrible, bone-aching regret.

So now, if he could redo the past, hell if he wouldn't take full advantage of it. Even if he had no idea what was going on, he will change history.

And maybe by doing so, he could even foil Izaya’s last plan. Shizuo wasn't stupid, he knew Izaya wanted to make him into a real monster by killing Izaya. He knew that if Izaya failed to kill him, Izaya wanted to die at Shizuo’s hands. And he did. Shizuo was truly a monster.

But this will change.

Not because he cared about the flea, but because he couldn't live with the guilt of murder, the smell of blood haunting him, and the image of Izaya’s lifeless eyes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends the exposition! Next time, stuff will happen so look forward to it!
> 
> Thanks for reading, I really enjoyed the comments last chapter-- they keep me going! XD


	3. Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's everyone's favorite Mads again \o/ yayyy  
> Here with another update amazing!  
> Thanks for all the comments last time, gratification is an amazing motivator. <3  
> Enjoy the chapter~

Shizuo didn't believe in God. It just wasn't in his nature to trust something besides himself. He had no problem accepting his headless friend, Celty, because that was just who she was. But some unseen, all knowing power? Unlikely.

But if God had given him a second chance, he was eternally grateful for it. Now all he had to do was not fuck it up.

Easier said than done.

“Shizuo-kun, let’s be friends.” The high schooler Izaya skipped up close to him and grinned. “I think we could have fun together.”

 _What_?

Was this not the past? This had never happened before, right? Shizuo struggled to recall that fateful day. _I was angry… and I said that I didn't like him before he even spoke._ So he succeeded in changing the past already. _That means Izaya wanted to be friends with me?_

_Nah, he probably just wanted to manipulate me in the end._

Even so, the right thing to do now was…

“Sure. Let's be friends. Nice to meet you, Izaya-kun.”

“Same to you~” Izaya smiled again, with more sincerity than Shizuo had ever seen.

“Shizuo-kun, you’re pretty strong, right? That’s amazing. What’s it like?” The teenager circled him, inspecting his lean body.

Shizuo growled. “It’s not amazing, it’s awful.” What was amazing was that even after all that happened, Shizuo just wanted to punch the damn louse in his annoying mouth.

“Ehhh?” He stretched out the syllable as long as it would go. “I think it’s definitely amazing. You could win any weightlifting contest with ease.” Izaya smirked with false pride.

_Is he… complimenting me? Then why do I feel so pissed?_

“Ah, I need to leave.” The flea glanced at his watch, and waved at Shizuo. “Bye for now, Shizuo-kun. See you tomorrow at lunch!” With that, he scurried off.

_And when did I agree to this lunch date?!_

“Mustnotattackfleamustnotattackfleamustnotattackfleamustnotattackflea.” Shizuo chanted under his breath. Thankfully, he held himself back from chasing after that irritating smirk.

Shizuo suddenly noticed that Shinra had long since ran away. “That traitor.”

But today, there would be no need for Shinra’s care: no chase though the city; no getting run over by a truck; no breaking the door of Shinra’s house. Already, he had changed so much just by holding his temper.

_So was it really all my fault?_

He grabbed his stuff and trudged towards the direction of his home. Luckily, he remembered where he and Kasuka grew up. On the way out the gates, he caught sight of a familiar figure.

“Celty?” _Oh shit, am I supposed to know this well at this point. I can’t remember when we actually became friends…_

Regardless, the headless dullahan ran over to him and shoved her phone in Shizuo’s face. [Shizuo… do you remember?]

 _Those words…_ “Do you know something about this?” He asked hopefully.

She paused to type more. [Well, yes. Do you want to talk in private?]

Shizuo emphatically agreed, and the two set off to an empty alleyway not far from the high school. His mind overloaded with questions

“So what’s going on? Why am I at Raijin? Why is Izaya… alive?”

Celty held out her hand to stop the flow of questions. [You see, that night, I got my head back]

Shizuo nodded, happy for his friend for finally accomplishing her goal.

[All my memories were restored, and I knew that my presence had affected the city far too much. For something not human to impact the lives of so many others, and cause the death of two people… it’s not how it should be.]

“Two people?” Shizuo interrupted, confused. He had killed Izaya, but who else died?

[Oh that’s right, you don’t know. Mikado actually shot himself.]

“What?!” Shizuo gasped, astounded. “That shrimp, Ryuusuke Makoto?”

Celery face-palmed, exasperated, before typing. [That’s not even close to his name, but yes. Luckily, I was able to save his life because I was close by, but I was too late for Izaya.] She crossed her feet, looking away guiltily. [Izaya was most affected by my head out of all people, even Yagiri Seiji. It's my fault that it came to this.]

Shizuo put a hand on her shoulder. “It's not your fault, it's all mine. I'm the one who killed him. But how was Izaya so affected by your head?”

[Ah, well, he really did have it the whole time.]

“That damn louse, I knew it.” Shizuo growled.

[Yes, and he seems to have based most of his actions around her. He believed that he could achieve immortality if he started a war around my head, to wake her up. It's a little complicated, but that's why he was always stirring things up. See, Izaya is desperately afraid of death. He always acts around self-preservation. The only times I saw him intentionally take a risk was when provoking you, Shizuo.]

“Izaya… always doing stupid shit for that kind of reason? What an ass.” He grumbled.

[Anyways, since it was too late to save him, I used the last of my powers to turn back time to the origin of the events that led to Izaya’s death. Changing time is extremely difficult, so only you and I remember what happens in the future. I choose you because you have the greatest impact of Izaya’s life and death. If anyone can change things, I'll be you.]

“I-I don't-” So this was the starting point? Eight years ago?

Celty interrupted his faint words by showing her screen again. [Please, Shizuo. Change the future. I'm counting on you.] With that, she straddled her bike and displayed one last parting remark. [I got to go before Shinra gets worried. Good luck.]

She started the engine and zoomed off, leaving Shizuo completely speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we finally got some explanations now, what do you all think?  
> Shizuo was able to control his temper for once, and reality spins on its head.  
> Thanks for reading! <3  
> Good news: Finally my laptop started working, it makes things much easier. (yes, I have written every single chapter on all my works on my tiny iphone 5, now be in awe.) Expect less errors and faster typing speed, hurrah.


	4. Harassment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what? It's your lovely Mads who can't write things on time!  
> Oh well, a very late Merry Christmas to you all.

Friends with Izaya. _Friends_. What are friends, really? Shizuo didn't really have a lot of them; mainly limited to Shinra who was more interested in his body than anything, Kadota, who was a reliable guy but didn't really talk much, and Tom, who was more of a senior and a coworker than anything more. There were some other guys that he was on good terms with, but it's not like they were close. His only real friend was Celty, who was an excellent listener and helped him to relax just but talking with her.

He had the feeling Izaya would do none of those things.

Izaya was annoying at best and infuriating at worst. He liked the sound of his own voice far too much, so listening to his rambles was inconceivable. And there was no way he could ever relax around Izaya.

Even if (which it most likely was) it was a ploy to manipulate Shizuo, he still had to be in some fake relationships with the flea. Izaya probably just wanted to use his strength and set him against gangs again from up close. Yes, there was no trusting Izaya. Ever.

Shizuo thought as he went through his normal routine before school. Whatever magic the Dullahan had done apparently messed with his memories as well-- the memories from high school were much more prominent in his mind than before, and half of what happened in the future seemed like a dream. Except for the end, Shizuo could clearly remember _that_ , and it only served to heighten his motivation.

Well, it was useful when he had to remember his homework for classes. He waved to Kasuka, as emotionless as always, grabbed his packed lunch and hurried out the door. Today again, he would hold his temper.

Until a gang surrounded him, waving their iron poles threateningly.

“Look, it's the legendary Heiwajima Shizuo!”

“He doesn't _look_ so legendary.”

“I bet it was all made up by cowards.”

_Oh well, it's just self-defense, right?_

He thought to himself as he threw the leader miles away. His teenage body was a bit weaker than his adult body, but it was still strong enough to rip the conveniently placed stop sign out of the ground and swing it like a baseball bat towards the remnant of the gang.

This wasn't Izaya's fault, was it? There was no way to tell. Even though their meeting yesterday went well, the shitty conniving louse was still a shitty conniving louse, and there was nothing he wouldn't do. But then, gangs had been after him since middle school, and there was no evidence of Izaya's culpability.

Now the remaining punks were running away, screaming for their lives. Shizuo sighed. He'd seen this scene a thousand times. If they were so desperate for him to spare their lives, they shouldn't attack him in the first place. It was obvious to Shizuo, but apparently other people's minds worked differently as the cycle never stopped.

Taking deep breaths, he managed to calm down. This was it. No more violence today.

\--

School passed surprisingly uneventfully. He was lulled into his usual routine of daydreaming in class though the teacher’s babble, and it was only when he seated himself in his usual spot on the roof that he remembered the promise with Izaya.

Oh well, knowing him he would find him anyways.

Not three seconds later, he was proved right by the sound of the door opening, and the shitty flea bounding in.

“Shizuo-kun, don't tell me you forgot about our date? I'm hurt~!” Izaya pouted sarcastically. _How can anyone pout sarcastically?_

He twirled around, taking in the deserted rooftop. “Aww, does tall, blond, and mysterious sit all alone at lunch? How terrible. You're lucky I'm here to relieve your loneliness.” Izaya spoke in that infuriating tone and smirked at Shizuo.

_Do not punch flea. Do not punch flea. Do not punch flea. Do not punch flea. Do not punch flea. Do not punch flea_

Shizuo's inner chant worked, and he successfully restrained his anger to just a glare. Just a glare.

“Oh how scary~!” Izaya jumped backwards in pretend fear. “Please don't throw a goal post at me too and send me to the hospital. I _hate_ hospitals.” He whined.

“Stop pretending, you'd just dodge it anyway.” He huffed.

Izaya blinked, momentarily stunned.

Shizuo realized that there wasn't really a good explanation for knowing the flea’s insane parkour skills, but what's done is done.

“Aha, Shizuo-kun knows more than he lets on. Are you maybe… a stalker!?” Izaya shouted and crossed his arms over his chest protectively.

Shizuo's snort of laughter surprised Izaya even more than it surprised himself. Izaya looked stunned, opening and closing his mouth in search of a clever follow-up, no doubt. He bet no one had laughed at Izaya's shitty jokes before.

“I bet no one has ever laughed at your shitty jokes before.” _Oops, I said it out loud_.

Izaya blinked a few more times, and broke out into a smile; much more sincere than his first one. Why on earth was making Izaya flustered was far more satisfying than throwing him into a wall? Who knew.

“That's right~! Why don't we eat? I'm hungry.” Izaya attempted to regain his composure and skipped over to where Shizuo sat, settling down right next to him.

No, not a a comfortable, friend-appropriate distance, but _right next to him_. Their shoulders firmly touched, and Izaya’s leg pressed into his own.

“Shizuo-kun’s bento is so cute!” He said, leaning over Shizuo's lap for a better look.

Shizuo's breathing sped up, his heartbeat racing. No one has ever initiated such close physical contact with him. Even his family wasn't one for hugging or the like. In just one move, the roles had reversed. Now _he_ was the flustered one.

“Shizuo-kun, why'd you dye your hair?” Izaya asked randomly. His fingers combed through Shizuo's hair, giving him a feeling that was strangely comfortable.

He swatted away the hand, gently; because he didn't want to break Izaya's wrist… yet.

“A senpai in middle school suggested it to make me more recognizable.” He grumbled out.

“Eh? You don't really seem the type to want fame, though.” They'd just met and Izaya was already able to read him like a book.

“Yeah, but gangs and stuff are gonna seek me out anyway, and they might as well know who I am.” _Why am I even telling him this?_

“I see, like a warning sign. To say, ‘stay away’. Well it doesn't seem to work on everyone.” Izaya snuggled up even closer, grinning up at Shizuo.

He fought not to move, since if he did he would surely end up slamming the flea’s head into the cement. It was certainly not because Izaya felt warm and nice like this, nope. He was just keeping his promise to Celty.

This was just another kind of harassment, he decided as he watched Izaya open his lunch. It was pitifully meager, only rice with seasoning.

“That's not very nutritious.” He spoke before he thought it though. His words almost sounded like he _cared_.

Izaya scowled, bringing the box closer, like he was shielding it from Shizuo. “Not everyone has the time to make elaborate homemade lunches. Some of us common folk have to make do.” That was more like the true Izaya.

But his resemblance soon disappeared when he leaned over to steal a bite of Shizuo's food. “Hey!”

“So I guess you'll just have to share.” Izaya smirked, licking his lips teasingly.

_Yup, just another type of harassment._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personal space, Izaya!! Boundaries! It's kinda important!
> 
> Poor Shizuo is so all over the place that his thoughts are getting hard to write xD
> 
> Thanks for reading, this chapter was... not very angsty was it? Sorry...
> 
> Flirty Izaya ruins all plans.


	5. Irony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi~ Hope you all had happy holidays, now with the new year I'm gonna keep on rolling!   
> This one's a little short, but I've partially written the next one so it shouldn't be more than a day or two ^^  
> Enjoy~ <3

The teenagers ate in silence for a few minutes, which was remarkable considering the flea's talkative personality. More like, he wouldn’t shut up even when he threatened Izaya with large metal objects. Instead of talking his ears off, he kept sending Shizuo these...  _ looks  _ that were almost worse. Izaya obtaining eye contact only to smile and wink was something he had no idea how to handle. Izaya tried to steal his food once more, and Shizuo growled but remained mostly composed.

Soon enough, Izaya got bored and was back to talking and Shizuo wasn't sure if it was better or worse. 

“So, Shizu-chan, from what I saw yesterday, you're really strong. But how much of the other rumors are true? Do you take on gang members every day? Can you really lift trucks and throw vending machines?” 

Shizuo suppressed a snort at the vending machine part. Yeah, he threw them, and mostly at the boy sitting next to him. Not that he ever could hit Izaya… until the end. Well great, now he was remembering the past again. Or was it the future? After all, Izaya was clearly alive so it hasn’t happened yet, right? This time-travel shit was really not for him. 

Izaya kept talking, seemingly oblivious to Shizuo's discomfort. “I imagine that you won all your fights, right? Have you ever gotten hurt in them? I heard from Shinra you have an extraordinarily healing rate. How does that work?” Izaya swung around to stare at Shizuo. “Have you ever killed anyone before?” Shizuo's attention snapped back to the other boy’s words. “I haven't heard any rumors, but it certainly could have been covered up.” He continued, sounding even more bubbly and excited than normal.  

“...Shut up.” Shizuo muttered darkly. He had no desire to talk about his past crimes, especially with the victim himself. He stood up and turned away to face the steel fence, looking out across the grounds of the school.

“Aha, did I hit a sore spot? So something happened…” Izaya mused, triumphant. He jumped to his feet and skipped around Shizuo, blocking his view. “Hey, hey, how did you do it? Did you hit them with a vending machine? Did you maybe punch their head in? Smash them into a building? Or maybe it wasn’t even on purpose… that’d be unfortunate. Some random bystander caught up in it… how terrible.” 

With each word Shizuo grew more and more enraged, only, it wasn’t anger at Izaya, but at himself. However, years of warring trained his body to unleash all anger at the boy before him. No matter how much his mind protested that Izaya was innocent, he didn’t do anything wrong, his body refused to listen. Even when he  _ knew _ how much he would regret losing his temper, it was beyond his control. He glared murderously at Izaya, and his muddled brain only barely noticed the admiration in Izaya’s eyes.  _ Admiration? For killing someone? How fucked up was the flea? _

Izaya seemed to notice his discomfort, finally, but misinterpreted the cause. “Don’t worry, Shizu-chan, I’ll forgive you, even if you are a murderer.” His last words sounded strangely sincere; at least, more sincere than anything else Izaya’s ever said. Izaya smiled in benevolence; like he was doing him so great service and Shizuo should drop down and bow in reverence 

Shizuo distantly felt his body going out of control, into the rage he was in when Shizuo smashed the flea like the bug he was. His blood raged and his hands trembled, grabbing the metal fence and twisting the wire unnaturally out of shape. As Izaya continued to look at him with that shit-eating grin and accusations of  _ murderer  _ echoed in his ears.... He lost it.

“SHUT UP!!” 

_ Slam! _

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dammit Izaya, you were doing so well, why do you have to be an abrasive dick?
> 
> Yes, I shortened it just to leave off on that cliffhanger, You're welcome! <3  
> Thanks reading, double thanks for the kudos and triple thanks for commenting. (If you do all three you get a special prize... my eternal gratefulness. Trust me, it's good, I swear.)


	6. Crimson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's been a while. Yes, I'm a little shit. Of course, I have plenty of excuses but I doubt anyone wants me to got through them.  
> Hopefully people still want to read this.  
> Anyway, here's the next chapter. No idea when the next one will be out, but at least this doesn't end on a cliffhanger.

 

_Slam!_

 

Izaya's blood, trickling from the back of his head, where it was violently embedded in the wall. The crimson light fading from his eyes, changing to a dull rust. His small stature, limp and unmoving. Shizuo's knuckles, covered in red and disgusting brain matter, tangled in silly black hair. Izaya's mouth, blessedly shut and silent. Shizuo heaved for breath, feeling the crushing weight of guilt, his vision whirling into shades of red and rust until he could no longer discern anything--

“Get _off_ me.”

Shizuo's vision snapped back into perfect clarity, while his head pounded and felt like it was going to split open.

He refocused his eyes, and saw that his hand was embedded in the wire fence and Izaya was perfectly unhurt. The blur slowly faded and his breathing calmed, and he focused on Izaya’s face. The smaller teenager was not scared-- of course, Shizuo didn’t expect that from him-- but Izaya was gazing at him with a complex look.

 

Disappointment.

 

That’s what it was. Shizuo didn’t understand. Was he disappointed because he lost his temper? But Izaya had always been thrilled when he went crazy, and Shizuo realized a long time ago that his enraging taunts were really trying to provoke him into a rage. Not that the knowledge helped his anger management.

Izaya huffed out a breath, breathing out the air he must have been holding though the violence. “Why?”

Shizuo just stared at him, with no idea what he was asking.

“Why did you _miss_?”

 _What?_ Shizuo started, unable to move a muscle.

Body language displaying his intense frustration, Izaya pushed past Shizuo's motionless figure to stalk towards the door. He paused with his fingers on the knob and turned one last time to shoot a dark glare at Shizuo before opening and slamming the door behind him.

“Izaya-kun! Wait up!” No sooner had the words left his mouth when the elusive flea disappeared.

“Fuck!” Shizuo shouted and wrenched his hand from the wire fencing. He had to steady himself when he saw the blood coating my his fist. _Its okay, it's not his blood, it's only mine. He's safe. I didn't kill him again._

But what _was_ that? One minute, Izaya was dead again by his hands, and the next he was perfectly fine. Was it another part of Celty’s change? Or maybe Shizuo was just going crazy.

 

\--

 

Shizuo was very familiar with being avoided by Izaya. He'd long since come to terms with the irritability of the flea not being where he wanted him. Only this time, he didn't really want to let out his anger and chase him down the street. Only a little. Hell, he didn't even know what he wanted. He tried being ‘friends’-- it was awkward and uncomfortable and Izaya is a moody little shit-- but he doesn't really want to be enemies. Only a little. He really just wanted to understand _why_ . _Why_ was Izaya so annoyed at Shizuo _not_ hitting him? It's usually the other way around.

But then again, it's pointless to ponder over Izaya's reasoning; because, even if it's explained, it remains incomprehensible to anyone other than Izaya.

If Shizuo could just _find_ the little asshole, maybe he could settle some of his questions, but the flea failed to appear in his line of sight for the rest of the day. Maybe Shizuo could scent him out, but he was honesty exhausted by his extreme efforts to restrain his anger from Izaya.

Giving up at last, he trudged home and spent the night tossing and turning, thoughts centered on a certain red-eyed man.

 

\--

 

A dead city. An audible silence of human noises. No cars speeding by, no crowds milling about; the very air is still. It’s dark, too. The usual lights of the city, from street lights to the glow from windows at night, are nonexistent also. The only illumination comes from the sky, that glows with the greenish-red of light pollution, not a star to be seen. The setting is bizarre, eerie. It seems stuck in time, like a paused movie, or the intermission of a play, when the actors leave and the lights fall but the audience is still watching, waiting with bated breath for the music to come back on. Only, Shizuo is not sure if he is the audience or the actor. High above the empty streets, he turns, slowly taking in the familiar yet foreign scenery.

 

**Hello, Shizu-chan.**

 

The voice seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere, vibrating through the frozen air and echoing off the deserted buildings and resonating in Shizuo’s ears.

 

**Do you know where you are?**

 

He _knows_ this voice. He knows it better than his own.

 

**I do.**

**It’s not like I can forget.**

**Do you remember what we did here?**

**It was beautiful, wasn’t it?**

**It was a dance, a pure art as old as humans themselves.**

**Not that we are human.**

 

Shizuo turns a final time, and _there_ , perched arrogantly on the railing of the skyscraper, he was.

 

**Have I told you how proud I am of you?**

 

He stands, transfixed by the blood-red of the eyes that seem to drain the color from everything around it.

 

**You finally lived up to my expectations.**

 

**After all,**

 

**We’re all monsters at heart.**

 

The black silhouette raises his arms reverently to the dull sky, his eyes flashing with unidentified emotion, and slowly, slowly tips backwards. Just as his feet slip off the iron, Shizuo’s body unfreezes, and he rushes forward, arm stretched out in desperation. When he peers over the edge, Izaya is still falling in slow-motion, his eyes never leaving Shizuo’s. He falls so gradually it seems like he could just stop and float there in the air forever, but all too soon and far too late, he hits the ground, and Shizuo knows he will never rise again.

 

The pavement cracks and splinters, and the crimson blood seeping out of Izaya’s mangled body drains into the asphalt, staining it red, as the world flickers and glitches. An impossible amount of blood floods from the body. Everything was staining-- the streets, the sky, his heart.

 

The dream does not fade to black.

 

It fades to crimson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "This will never end cause I want more.  
> More, give me more,  
> Give me more.
> 
> If I had a heart I could love you  
> If I had a voice I would sing  
> After the night when I wake up  
> I'll see what tomorrow brings."  
> Fever Ray - If I had a heart
> 
> The sorta-inspiration behind this chapter. It's a weird song.  
> One of the lines was a not-so-subtle allusion to a passage that I had to to a detailed study on for English from The Life of Pi last week that I didn't notice until I proofread it, lol. If someone guesses the line, you get cookies. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, kudos and comments are appreciated (and motivating).


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